Goodbye 2009 Hello 2010

December 30, 2009
filed under: Ra, Ramblings

This has been a year I have been dreading in a big way.  Especially come August…. in August I have 1 in high school and 1 in Kindergarten. Add into the mix this is also my 20 year reunion for high school…… I guess I can’t say I’m only 30 anymore…. though I will still have a 3 in that first digit spot for another 2 more years……

2009 has been a very tough year in so many ways, it has been a year of personal growth for me.  After a complete and horrific ending to 2008 where I was at the lowest place in life a person can be (or at least I sure felt that way) I can honestly say that I successfully used 2009 as a year to pull myself up by my boot straps and stand on my 2 feet. Now I want to use 2010 to find a way to stand more on my own than I am now, realistically I do not think by the  end of 2010 I will completely be able to stand on my own financially- unless STBEX gets a magnificent job and a really good amount of child support comes rolling in.  I am moving in the right direction, my nose is pressed to the grindstone and I am plugging away (and I have the 4.0 to prove it… nanananana Matt ). 

Currently our needs are meet, we have a few extras and are comfortable.  Yes I would love to travel again and expose the kids to the wonders of the world- and that will come it will just take some time to make sure we don’t ruin the stability we now have.

2010 is going to be a year to grow our Finances and out Health. Both are something that can only benefit us in the end, and with the Health we will hopefully have a longer time here.

2010 will also be another year of changes, and I really hope that they will be good ones.  We will at some point be moving, the school the kids go to is pretty expensive and these past few years my parents have helped out way to much. I really want them to continue at this school, and plan on applying for scholarships for both kids. If its need based were a shoe in- my income is so low you find more on the street collecting change But I do not know for sure how this works so I am praying about this and making sure I keep my ear to the ground to know when I can get the paper work rolling.  If the kids can stay in their school that takes some pressure off a move, but we need to down size and I’d like to get us into a townhouse. If the school falls through we will need to move before August, because my kids can not go to the local public school district here that is not an option at all.

2010 will evolve as it will and I have complete faith that in the outcome, like in 2009 we all will be stronger and wiser people.  Maybe not in the way we want, but in the way that we need to be,

Definition of Love

December 30, 2009
filed under: Ramblings

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time, and probably because we are just past the Christmas Holiday this just is really on my mind and bugging me.

Basically this is about my kids father, now I know that he loves the kids he has said it and when he is with them he shows it. But the problem is that he goes days and days with out talking to the kids, and weeks upon weeks with out seeing them. Now for me personally this would kill me, I am sure of it.  If I couldn’t be with the kids physically I would be calling them every day probably many times to talk to them and let them know they are on my mind.  I would shower Matt’s email and facebook account with messages.  Nothing would  stop me with finding a way to communicate with my kids.  But he walked out of this house 16 months ago and during that whole time he has never had the kids on his own for more than possibly 8/10 hours and never over night. Now yes he picked an apartment where there really is no great place to have the kids spend the night, but he does have another air mattress and the kids have sleeping bags. 

Actions speak so loudly to me, way more so than words- something he has definitely taught me. Now I know I am biased here, and there possibly can be a very good reason why he is acting this  way- for the life of me I can not comprehend it but I will as usual keep making excuses for him.

These 2 weeks the kids are off on Christmas break would be a wonderful time for them to spend quality time together. Yes he saw them with his dad last Monday and for several hours on Christmas eve (he wanted the kids Christmas day to go to his brothers but for the past 38 years of my life, past 15 years of Matt’s life and past 5 years of Emmy’s life Christmas day has been with my parents- I did offer him all day Christmas Eve and over night but he declined).  So now we are in the 2nd week of break, the kids are off he is unemployed perfect timing right…. yep perfect time for him to take a Vacation with his Cougar(sorry gotta say that ) and her son (who’s a bit younger than Matt from what I’ve learned)…. unemployed no money… thanks to unemployment finally kicking in he only a little behind in child support (unless they let him off for the time he paid nothing)…. what does that show a kid….. does that show love? I don’t think so…… and thankfully the kids have no clue other than dad is gone again…….

The thing that makes me the saddest is that the kids have really been unaffected by his leaving, ok let me say un-adversely affected. Stress here at home with him gone is so ….. normal well as normal as you can be with a teen boy with ADHD and a pre-schooler … a single mom who’s back in school living in the house.

Yes there are outbursts from the kids where they miss their dad, right now Emmy’s been having more trouble at nights where she wants her dad back here at home. Matt remembers what it was like having him here, and especially since he became a big brother and a buffer between Emmy and his dad when needed…. something I’d been for his whole life…… we are in a better place with him gone…… I just wish he would start having regular contact with the kids…. I’ve practically thrown the kids at him at times when I needed a break and never not once has he picked up the ball because it was not convenient to him…..

Oh well I’m done rambling and getting this off my mind….. things wont change with him, or if they do they will be worse….. best I can do is protect myself and the kids from the fallout and uphold the image of the dad that they need right now….. even when I want to scream and pull him hair out… I need to be the best parent I can for them…. after all I do love the little monsters more than anything……